6. Writing / Pyschology

I’m not sure that I would agree with everything that I’ve wrote in this blog this semester. My thoughts are constantly developing, which I would prefer. Just as rewriting is important to writing rethinking is important to thinking. I know this is random, but I have found in the past week a distaste for the current standards in psychology and scholastic testing. I think we have some dark implications in the way that society is framing the mind and perhaps creating more problems than answers -- I saw the movie “The Master” and it ignited this disturbance in me. What I would call “false psychology” is more than likely all around us. I believe all of our minds face disorder to some degree and there is no such thing as a perfect mind. Yes, some of us are more sane than others and perhaps do not suffer from disorder in profound ways. I am tired of how we’re trying to fit each person into a box whether with what kind of ailment a person’s mind has or through standardization tests. To some degree these placements are helpful, but in some ways we are limiting ourselves.

Standardized tests base too much of their scale on finding the average. If you want to find the average and place people to that average, than more than likely you’re not finding as many outliers or how those outliers operate. I think if we set people up more so to have an “A” game than they will rise to the occasion, but setting them up in a test to prove averageness will do just that. Yes, these tests do find those that are both less than average and genius, but I think many people are not caught by these nets even though they may prove to be intelligent or in need of correction.  

I think one of the reasons I like fiction so much is because it takes a much greater lens to defining character than perhaps our non-fiction methods of standardization and pegging mental handicaps to people. Psychology is in a developing stage, and I do not wish to slander it seeing as how there have been a great number of problems solved as well as there are good psychologists out there. I am concerned that we may be improperly categorizing the mind, which has happened such as the case with sexuality. I’m concerned that there are other cases of this and we may be placing people as flawed when they may be in fact carrying a gift. In a roundabout way, this is why I think writing matters. I believe writers should be questioning the status quo and bringing out the real character behind what a great deal of people do not understand because they do not experience it themselves. The Yellow Wallpaper was simply a short story, but due to this story the perceptions on how to treat women with similar mental conditions did in fact change. Writing, storytelling, film -- all of it -- has the power to give a greater sense of awareness, empathy, compassion, and the like. I think this is a pretty big deal and has been one of the roles of the writer since words came into fruition. 

The field of creativity has one of the most important roles in society whether people acknowledge it or not. I think creativity can be taken advantage of, per say, propaganda, motivating poor behavior, and the like. There’s no telling how people will interpret art and so people shouldn’t stop making art simply because of outlier maniacs. I would like to see, however, more creativity being used to break down staunch perceptions that are holding us back as a society or even for creativity to solve problems the bigger problems the world is facing. We have some of the most bizarre and escalating problems the world has ever seen; I think through writing we can help bring out awareness and start to stop the tide of terror whether the sex trade, environmental decay, war, famine, AIDS, economic collapse, etc. It’s through changing our perceptions to overcome ignorance that we can be more vigilant to prevent crisis. We need more people to be enabled and rise to the occasion rather than be satisfied with the status quo. Complacency will be my own generation’s crime if we refuse to step up to the plate and take on real problems whether of the individual mind or larger global arena. 

Sure, as for writing and how it could apply to world problems or even solve them may sound unrealistic. I beg to offer a different opinion in that without trying to build messages on awareness then we as a people are going to be too uninformed to curb crisis. This is one of many reasons why I think storytelling is important and integral to solutions. Fahrenheit 451 with its absurd need to protect literature hits me profoundly because I think we should be fighting for our literature because these texts are what frames us and our thinking. 

I take building characters seriously. It’s through these vessels that the audience can begin to see themselves and those around them and perhaps take action in their own collective world. No, I do not expect to build a polyglot of saints; what we need is stories that are willing to be truthful to what we know and also progressively re-inform our quo. 

    

5. Writing Habits

My favorite time to write is when everybody is gone. Sometimes I turn off all the lights and use candles. I try to make it a relaxing experience and to cut myself away from the world. I love late nights and super early mornings. I have caught myself writing when the sunrises and then going to bed. I prefer schedules where I have mornings off so I can do this, and then catch up with my day later if need be. This is one of my favorite ways to write, but I think the trick is writing even when you're surrounded by noise. By writing in silence I'm able to teach myself some of the tricks that relax me, but writing in busy computer labs or on airplanes is possible if I can hone in on my brain. I tend to be more in my head than my physical reality anyway, so it's not the most distracting to be around peers, folks, or strangers. It's when that personal, private life decides to catch up and throw a curve ball. I enjoy solving problems and processing through them. I try to keep things lights, so if I delve into the heavy the main culprit is I've probably overloaded myself and thus it's an internal battle.

Airplane writing is a blast. I think my imagination goes into high gear when I'm flying 1,000s of miles above the planet. International flights are the best; there's far more interesting people to watch, there's only so many things I can do on a 7 or more hour flight. Only problem is laptops have limited battery power and handwritten notes are great until you have to spend extra time typing them up. When flying with the sun and there's the odd time difference, I can't help but think in deeper of ways. Every time I fly over the ocean I wonder what it was like for the early pioneering pilgrims to sail for three months just to make it to a new world. All my flight journeys are less than a day, but centuries ago my ancestors spent whole seasons on potentially life or death voyages. And while flying who knows what they are flying over from beasts deep below in the ocean, animals on the ground, or birds in the air. It's a whole lot more compelling than driving around Springfield.

I also have a confession. I dance frequently when I write. I don't know how this started; it's ridiculous. I suppose it's a great idea because it keeps me active rather than sedentary. Dancing frees up my mind. It enables me to focus on what I need to visualize story wise. I find that if I'm thinking beyond a 12 minute session than I've probably found myself beyond a short project. Real time definitely correlates to   page length for me. These ridiculous dance skills have improved over the years -- I've almost fooled myself into thinking I could be a dance choreographer. I also think about being an astronaut, so I don't always take my fancies seriously.

Eating has a unique relationship with the way I write. I avoid caffeine because I think I may be the most sensitive person on the planet. Sure, it can give me breakthroughs in ideas or 30 pages in a sitting, but I think whatever chemically I am sees it like most would speed. I'm already a fairly high energy person, but I try to avoid anything that will throw me off because it's usually explosive amounts of distracting joy. I am the weirdest person... sticking to healthier eating habits and curbing caffeine keeps me on task.    If I can spend a week just eating vegetables and drinking water it tends to have better focus and health results all around.

4. Ramblings II

This is more of a loosely two part blog with the previous entry (read the one recently added below this fine tale). How this two parter came to be, I don't know.

When I was younger in grade school, I refused to acknowledge my fuzzy vision. I don't think I wanted to face the fact that I was aging and my eyes were already losing focus. In many of my classes, I could get away with this, except for math. I would try to sit in the front row, otherwise I would have to squint, and I didn't want an eye exam with a sweaty, all-too-close doctor. Eventually, I had to face the problem so as to have it corrected. My math grades flourished instantaneously. There's been an ongoing battle with a dear friend of mine who has a similar problem, except instead of popping on clear shades to solve it, I think I've truly begun to realize what he means by "lacking in focus." Where mine was more of a physical struggle, his is more internal with the mind.

There are many cries for help that go unnoticed because we don't relate to the problem because we're not experiencing it ourselves. When I say I'm out of focus, it's not generally a crisis. It went unnoticed for me for several years that I'm at more of at a... more advanced level than what school perhaps initially indicated. I could go on about how I think schools' don't nurture young minds properly, but that entire system is so vast it may just be like throwing sand into the ocean.

In my case with focus, I struggled with over thinking. In many standardized tests growing up, I excelled up to a point, the point in which I would end up leaving to throw up. Now, I didn't really take notice of this till I was much older that this was a unique happening in my childhood. Personally, I just felt like all the time I was super sick and sensitive. For the most part, I was a happy bouncing kid; I was also the worst to make an insult toward since I would understand the insult all too well. Since I would be sick randomly in these tests, I was often placed in different groups throughout school from generally regular to advanced (to occasional remedial sessions that would last about an hour, and then they'd send me away.) Through being in a wide range of classes and meeting different peoples I became observant of all kinds of quirks -- perhaps giving me the general key to understanding people around me today. In the seventh grade, I was found to have unusually high writing skills.

To be honest, I didn't really care about my writing skills then. I thought everyone could write. Writing seemed like the most basic, instinctual aspect one could have. I am still somewhat baffled that people can't write even if I have worked as a writing tutor and have met quite the demons in prose. Everyone and their dog should be able to write. I didn't say everyone should be a best seller, but basic writing skills I think that's something we all deserve... or should strive to have.

It was the unusually high writing skills found in the seventh grade that sounded the alarm. I went from the seemingly drawl classroom settings into a series of advanced ones. I began to realize that the reason standard exams were grueling on my mind is because at a younger age I was using critical thinking skills not to be expected till later. I asked more of the questions being given to me than necessary and would make connections that would go way too deep. Sometimes I marked out questions and rewrote them to find clarity or point out how the question made was giving way to more answers than I could circle.

I eventually got my own mental fugue sorted and found a system that worked for me in school. Most snags haven't been due to a lack of ability, but rather personal life situations getting in the way. I left college after freshmen year for a semester to go to Florida when crisis hit my family and my grades were not quite what they should have been. The family hoopla lasted the whole college career making it at times difficult to balance. The real knife of the situation hit after graduating when the facts of life caught up with me, and I realized the dissociation in emotions, an almost necessity, to get through school. This works up until you face emotional sequences in your writing prose and then you find yourself in writer's block. My cure: taking poetry.

With my own mental outlook and perspective the "issues in focus" that my friend has been saying for years wasn't and isn't the same battle that I face. Therefore, in pointing at what is the problem I didn't have enough knowledge to know what exactly he has been going through for ages. We all have obstacles in our way. There's no such thing as a perfect mind. Even the most brilliant ones have consequences for being so brilliant. I do think we are only seeing but a shadow of who we truly are; it's what my heart tells me, but again I do not have a perfect heart. I think we should try to reach for the stars as much as possible. We should also spend more time with those around us and try to really understand what's holding them back. It might not be the same experience you are having which can make it difficult, especially since each of us has our own individual mind.

On this same week, I went downtown and found out that a writing partner I had in my first screenwriting class had opened a bar. After all these years he remembered my barbaric attempt at screenplay writing and said to stay with it. I went to the Mudhouse and found a barista who had been hired only a week ago who also was once upon a time ago in a writing class with me and said the same note of "not forgetting to write." I don't know why these outliers made a difference in my day. Perhaps because I admire both of them. While going to yoga later in the evening, I was at a stoplight. I turned to face a building I once worked in; a writing job I had two years ago. It was the worst experience for me: soul-sucking to the point of insanity. But I was wearing a t-shirt from when I worked there, so granted, I didn't have that hard of feelings toward the company. I did realize that I require space to interact with people. I love writing, but not in a cubicle with strict measures to stay in my seat... for hours.

Sometimes the cubicles we are forced to be in is exactly what's holding us back from being our real authentic selves. I hope the cubicle will be lifted on my friend's "lack of focus." I hope I acknowledge the cubicles I do have and am willing to face them for correction rather than avoid them.

3. Ramblings I

So far this week is high on the "oddest week ever" in Silvey-town's life. I'm loathing that sentence with a harsh "eye squint."

I shouldn't be referring to myself as a town. Or should I?

And with that nonsense...


Last year, through studying too much theory on writing composition, I began to allow my mind to see the world in shades of gray (vampires you have ruined it all! I would never read in a thousand years such horrible, pedestrian rubbish!). Pardon my obscure interruptions this evening. Back to the point, rather than the beautiful gray one sees when things are a more "depends" outlook, I think I was lacking in my ability to accept the meaningful aspects of life and instead seeing theory to depict the often too familiar scope of "does anything really mean anything at all?"

With all the connections I'm seeing on a social scale add up with my own "A", "B", "Q" and "Z" plots, I am accepting meaning again. The universe is made more of dark matter than actual matter; I believe we are finding that the universe is actually in a black hole. I think ideally everything would be in light, and therefore everything would have reason and meaning. However, we are not in that universe so a great deal of life cannot be reasonable. Also, trying to figure out what the ideal universe is and if it even exists is one of the more profound quandaries that our minds are even capable of trying to solve. I'm more fascinated by what is meaningful in the midst of a great deal of darkness in the present than descending into the darkness and only accepting the meaninglessness as the frame to which we would paradoxically exist. I'm not a nihilist; I'm venturing not to be a sophist either. One ray of light in a field of darkness can overpower such a space.

Now that we've got my late night ramblings out of the way, lets apply my thoughts to writing. I think the responsibility of the writer is much greater than perhaps writers acknowledge. Writing to prove a theme of meaningless is counteractive; sure it's been done, but how do you even authentically gain this narrative when plot would still have to be present? If you have no plot then you have no meaning. Stories that are about meaningless, I think, are more about one's lost perspective. Writers are supposed to go through all the systems of pattern we experience (and potentially don't experience) and help organize these concepts into language so that these words give clarity. A graduate assistant I know once said, "It's through literature that I am able to frame and understand the events that are going on in my own life." We're not just placing down words. Words are labels placed over concepts, and these words have more meaning then that because they indicate social context through communities who share these words, and I'm sure a great deal more. I've said it before, and I'm probably repeating myself years later, but the goal of writing is to go out into the field of dizzying darkness and find the best pieces of light to bring back to the table; it's not just a matter of storytelling, it's a matter of problem solving. Through the written language we are able to dissect the great question of: "what is happening", to intimately understand "what is happening", and with great hope make the best educated guess on that pesky, eternal question.

Why do certain pieces of writing have lasting effects over generations? I think it's because they held such great meanings in theme that it touched our most needed aspects in the heart. Shakespeare is bloody confusing, but we buy into it because of how great his themes are and as we come to understand what exactly his plays were intending to say in theme we begin to see those 16th century situations still in motion today -- why else would we have West Side Story? I do believe in universal themes. Those are probably some of the strongest themes of all. Sure, there are idiosyncratic themes in generations. Then again, I question this because many times it's all the same formula but with different variables -- if the variables are different but end up with the same conclusions we've always had, then does that make themes the same regardless of variable or is theme in the variable? I believe theme is not in the variable but in the conclusion.

I know many want to explore space. I don't think we naturally are intended to since it wreaks havoc on the body, not to say though that we can't change our bodies so as to be able to explore space, but is this really progress or escapism? We can visualize and take care of space in our minds in just the same progressive and escapist way -- and it definitely has it's benefits so perhaps, in this riddled up mess I'm writing, we do need space travel. I think we operate on far more dimensions than we know. I'm thinking there's a possibility of infinite black holes and we are somehow within the black hole of a black hole of a black hole and so forth. Depressing thought, right? Or is it flat out cool? Light at the end of the day is far weirder still than darkness -- even if we are in multiple black holes. We like to consider ourselves enlightened when we gain knowledge, which to repeat once more, knowledge comes from years of language development in organizing and communicating with each to find truth.

Enlightenment is about finding meaning. Plot is about enlightenment. When we seek plot in our own lives the dots, rather constellations, will come together. Perhaps like a pulp where certain things come together more wholly than others, while the rest freely moves (thank you, Pulp Fiction). I think when we descend into darkness we fail to see how the dots connect. And there we have our thesis point... insubstantial plots don't have enough light. The light in it needs to be matured.

2. Character & Plot

I can't make conclusions about plot until I know my characters. The more extensively I am able to understand the strengths, weaknesses, and unique traits of the main cast (and auxiliary) the more I am able to pinpoint how they function on what I would call the "grid of life" AKA plot. This might not be how other writers work, but seeing character first helps me to know what exactly their problems or situations should be. I ideally think in visuals about what the character would experience, see a small zygote of an idea, and build from there. Preferably if I can daydream about a character for 12 minutes then I know I have something small enough to work with without it becoming a saga. If I can sit down and get my brain to make a story in one sitting than likewise it will probably be a work that's read in one setting. This is not always the case because sometimes you come across the perfect daydream that has enough juice to give electricity to the world, but there is some amount of ratio in how much I input into my thoughts that translates into length for number of pages.

As for plot, I see it as a  grid of freewill and predestination. In fact, fiction is the only real frame that has laid out what exactly those esoteric terms mean. I now see plot as strings that expand from left to right, but also can dip into more complex of dimensions besides 2D lines. I don't think it's the most stiff written into stone science, for there is some fluctuation as to where characters (and people alike) can end up treading on their path(s). There is some obvious indications where characters will go based off the paths they take; setting, symbols, and all around story world building can point to what will happen since there are only so many options from context, for instance, when you have a character at the bottom of a catacombs layering bricks on top of each other to trap a friend inside the reader / audience should be expecting grim conclusions. The Edgar Allen Poe short story I'm briefly touching upon has a distinct plot line that follows the descension master plot. Before the main character even begins touching bricks the reader should know that the story has dark, sinister, and morose implications simply based off how the story continually descends into further layers of... death and darkness. Furthermore the actual words chosen to depict that descent help to frame the story for the reader. The properties to help build plot allow for the audience to key into what's happening, such as the setting. The visual medium constantly gives hints as to "what is happening" in the plot. In fact, visual mediums beat the audience over the head with point; however, we often watch unconsciously until we are enlightened on the patterns and symbols before us. 

To me this helps to depict predestination. There are only so many master plots in storytelling; perhaps 20, maybe more, but those plots in and of themselves give hints as to the possible types of conclusions that will be reached. In a rescue plot we expect one of generally two outcomes: the victim will be rescued or the victim will not be rescued. Any number of other possibilities could happen, in fact bizarre ones like the rescuer becomes the victim, or the victim becomes the victimizer. But with this type of master plot we're definitely not expecting certain other outcomes such as a complete shift with penguins riding hot air balloons (more in lines with a quest / adventure), unless somehow that has to do with rescuing: it more than likely is a red herring or unrelated. The characters still have myriads of choices, and I think the writer needs to listen to the character and allow for it's own decision making rather than force characters to go the way an author requires. I think to help characters ring true we have to let them go into their own world and try not to take them by the hand too much. Sure, that may make no sense for writing since the writer puts every word on the page that directs action, so I think what I'm referring to is a step before writing. In order to let characters be free we have to be free in our imaginations. Fantastic dreams often are when the mind goes free of it's own course to process whatever deep unseated issues or fantasies it has. I'll soon get to how this is achieved for characterization, but I do think mimicking this dreaming for characters helps for them to have authenticity. Being open minded helps to get the perfect blend of formalized character (predestined) along with a more lively, untamable soul pulsating in its veins (the freewill). 

When I feel like I'm controlling my characters too much, I step away. Trying to take a screwdriver to them and force them to be what I want ends up in info dump dialogue and cliche actions. Instead of writing it's time to go back to thinking, daydreaming, imagination, and dreaming. One of the better strategies I have to break from writing is to lay down, close my eyes, and play music that reminds me of the character and then just let myself dream about a scenario with whatever decides to come up from that. Not only does this relax me, but it also generates far more substantial ideas than if I just stare at a blank white screen. To be honest, I don't even think there is a blank white screen in front of me. The problem is I'm too focused on what's before me in the physical that I can't see what's really going on in my head, so then it becomes a matter of silencing everything and really going into the character's heads and seeing what meaningful stories resonate from them.   

I must also admit that seeing fiction in this way and relaxing with it has also taught me a great deal on how to perceive life in general. If I recognize before hand what type of setting or decision making I'm entering myself into and it's not where I want to head, I respect what master plots are out there and I change my path.

1. Admitting to Weak Characters

I am excited to be writing on the script side again rather than prose, composition, or the like. I’ve needed to do soul searching to help overcome certain aspects in my personal life which formed walls around actually being able to write strong script. When I started this journal for the first time two years ago, many of my thoughts were coming from a critical and theoretical perspective, partly because that’s what I happened to be dabbling with. At this point, I’ve gained more in my writing perspective and definitely understand the form and theory behind the written universe to a greater degree than in my undergraduate years, which was based primarily off intuition and exposure to what I considered transcendental storytelling. (Granted, I really shouldn’t knock my critical / analytical skills from years past.)

 Honestly, one of the main reasons I decided to pursue graduate school was to have a more structural eye to the blueprints behind writing. I want to build a mansion with writing, not a coffee table. I think knowing the cogs working behind it all any art form will help one to become more skilled in said medium. I think for this semester my journal entries will hit more on storytelling and personal fictional areas that I seem to be consistently struggling with (now that I have a stack of unpublished papers that I can peak through to find patterns.) The critical theory eye is still present in me and will probably appear-- as it has for this entry.

 What I have noticed consistently is my struggle with protagonists. This is compelling because my entire story worlds are developed through dedicating a significant amount of time in developing first the main hero. On more than one account I’ve found my auxiliary characters growing beyond what was expected and in turn almost surpassing the foundational character to which they were technically born. I have a wall to break with the main character because in essence the entire universe I create is connected to them, but many of them (especially in my longer prose) are not finding enough zest, pizzaz, or zeal.
 Part of this may be due to the emotional distance I have with the focal character and my unwillingness to make them as vulnerable as some of their counterparts. I think handing more of the juicy, heart-throbbing sequences would help not only bring out the characters, but bring in closer audience attachment. Caden has been a character I’ve worked with since my teenage years (yikes). He’s actually one of eight that I’ve had in my head for nearly ten years -- and each of those characters has a completely different universe in which I could build, so if any of these stories takes off I probably will have enough ideas in my imaginative bank to write well beyond my own death -- sadly there’s no way all story ideas will make it outside my brain.

 Nothing would exist in Caden’s world without first him. But what is making him so difficult to stand out as clearly as perhaps the female leads, the villains, or even two dimensional side characters? That’s one area in my writing I want to explore and help transcend what it is currently. Perhaps some of the strife here is... Caden isn’t altogether human. The more human I can make him the more people will buy into that twist. He has a strong moral compass and is far more innocent than many of the other characters, which this plays heavily into his flaws since he can be tricked easily, be too heartfelt toward the weak, and too merciful to actually be bent on necessary justice.

 I don’t doubt this character will grow and end up triumphing over his cast. He is in more a state of blossoming, and perhaps the main hero needs more time to cook because the sense of direction they carry should be what leads the rebellion against the status quo which I think is what the audience wants to see. My amnesiac-invincible, celestial superhero literally has to contrast against the rest of the dystopian regime, but when in the same universe there’s Lise who in her own backstory has seen countless murders and is hanging onto the narrative track by a thread, it’s hard not to look at her and be caught up in the freedom she’s pursuing. Lise was originally created to fill a hole in a short story I wrote where essentially geometrically I was thinking of the space and felt it needed to have its points fixed by a brash, sexual, and desperate woman. She was mostly two dimensional, but I kept adding to her and kept listening to how the character wanted more plot. I came to her know in my mind as a good friend who I would meet in coffee shops to discuss politics, books, and religion. This character didn’t want to be left with poor detailing. I admit to spending too much time coming to know her narrative, as with her foil Rebecca who has just as much suffering but handles it with more grace and class.

 My goal will be to strengthen Caden. He needs to be the man we’re all searching to have in a world with few men left. Even if he isn’t altogether man -- he seems to think he is. He needs a stronger foil to help balance him out, and I think that’s why I keep being drawn to one of the last additions to this story world: Edgar. He’s the prince in this one world government, and I think though he is destined to be a part of the system that’s committing massive euthanasia for the sake of an elite immortality, I think he’ll fight against it because his moral compass is too loud, too distraught for meaning and purpose.

 In the end, maybe one needs to be the justice we need in humanity and the other is the coin of mercy. Caden’s destiny is to end the flawed system running the world, but maybe he is called to be a more tender warrior, a shepherd, a being so gracious that this quality in itself obliterates the makeup of a dry, decaying world.