All of this is pulping together. All aspects of my life are working in this way, which I think is being reflected in my writing, both in non-fiction and fiction. I feel like the strongest aspect of my life currently is the social aspect, which has always been positive since being in Springfield. This hasn't been the toughest part of college for me. I don't even know how I got through some semesters, but for whatever reason my mind keeps inquiring of what really matters. (What really does matter?)
I've been practicing piano, voice, and dance lately. I have a pile of French flashcards that I occasionally go through at night. I make all sorts of plans almost everyday to meet with people. I have a knack for friendship, this is a pretty clear discovery I've made in recent days.
I have so many fiction works sitting as drafts. I'm not even sure how many bills I have anymore, and I'm waiting eagerly to see if I'll be a graduate assistant next year which would greatly help with my financial wading through waters. Somehow last semester I had a dynamite run, but this time my mental state is completely different, not to say I've dumbed down, there's just a yearning for certain activities. I've found that I've neglected certain aspects of myself while being dowsed in study and also in walking alongside others.
My issue here is that I'm in a sort of limbo. Many people are leaving here and moving on while also others are entering my life or returning. I just completed one program, with much intensity from every life aspect imaginable, to wondering where I really need to go. It is so hard to focus. I know what I want, but there's about 256 things I want. I try to combine common goals so that I can at least obtain some of my dreams. I have so many dreams planned that my life here isn't going to complete it all, which I think that's the type of person I want to be -- having so many dreams that my life can't contain them.
The problem is that I'm overwhelmed with options. I think my generation is overwhelmed with options unlike any other generation before it. At this point, I could run off to just about any country, learn a million different things through the aid of the internet, and keep up with thousands of people. No wonder it's so hard to figure out what matters in this multi-tasking generation.
Being in graduate school will open more doors, and some of these doors I may not go toward till I'm in my 40s. Essentially, I'm having problems with focus. With this many variables in may landscape, I often don't know what to focus on so everything either gets to be connected and in the same ground or it all goes fuzzy. One object in frame with the rest in fuzzy land is somewhat distracting to me. But if I can't narrow my focus, I think everything will all meet the same level of mediocrity. Each subject will have to be taken in focus and allotted its time -- however, in seeing how these things connect, perhaps they can influence each other and cut down on my amount of time in each.
Either way, this semester can be summed up as a need for focus. I am certain I will accomplish the things I need to accomplish, however with that attitude it may end up sloppily. I'd rather each part be taken care of well and seen as a whole in influencing each other. Perhaps I'm just overwhelmed on what to focus on first.
As for writing, I'm having a hard time finding a center in just about everything I'm writing. It's a new kind of writer's block, one where I honestly don't know the picture I'm trying to convey. I have all the words in my brain, the concepts are there, and even the understanding, but necessarily how to put all the puzzle pieces together -- I don't know. I'm afraid my puzzle pieces are supposed to come together to make a picture of a pastoral scene but I'm ending up with a man-eating flower from the graveyard of some nuclear reactor incident. I need to focus on getting things into a pattern which fits the intended prompt.
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